My Mind

I thank you, for sacrificing so much of your time, effort, love, energy, life. I’m sorry I threw it all the way and wasted all of it. I’m sorry I took so much and gave so little. You were the best thing to ever happen to me. You changed my life, made me feel safe. I was so proud and so flattered to be able to call you mine. When I met you I thought there would be no way in hell that you would ever try to love someone like me, at that time I felt worthless and you changed all that by letting your wall down just Far enough to make me feel wanted. during our time You held me through deaths, you held me through blackouts, you held me through rehab, you held me through job struggles and I couldn’t be more grateful. And now back to feeling so alone and trapped by my surroundings, I am worthless again and now know how much I never deserved you. Now knowing the type of person that you were to me I always lived in fear of losing you. Was always paranoid someone more deserving than me would see the type of person that you were and take you away from me. I always feared there anyone who knew the two of us would get in your ear and open your eyes to how worthless I was to you. I drank those fears away, but that’s not how it works I was adding on to my own fear by becoming less of a person and not reciprocating the acceptance that you gave me and then no one had to tell you how worthless I was, it was obvious.  i’m sorry you were left to absorb my negativity, to attend to my needs and my wants and I’m sorry that the person that I was then did not make you feel like you could do the same. Our past is our past. I could never make it up to you.   Now here I am, so aware, so apologetic. No longer foggy or blind, wide eyed and knowing that a fresh start would be so much different. You always supported me and gave me the confidence to overcome what I was facing. I neglected to do the same, if I had, good God the couple we would have became could have done anything. Nothing will ever change how things went, but I have changed to the extreme, no amount of remorse would ever be enough to show that you deserved more, but it’s there. I am so ashamed at how much I neglected you mentally and emotionally. I’ll never forgive myself because you deserved to be treated so much better and I let you think I would. 

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